Borderline Personality Disorder, Rage, and Work Don’t Mix
Borderline Personality Disorder, rage and work just don’t mix so I’ve come to discover. Last month I got fired again. I can’t even count how many times I’ve been fired in the last 10 years. Failure I’m used to. Man, if I ever have lasting success, not that would be strange. That wouldn’t make sense. I’d never trust that. That would piss me off more than getting fired pisses me off. This time, when my boss fired me, it was as he put it, “Because you have a negative attitude and you are hostile with your co-workers.” He also continued on to say that I intimidate other people. People I work with and customers. Say what?
If I was eating Chinese food and had fortune cookies bet they’d all say, “You’re fired”! I can’t even count how many times I’ve been at the other end of those words. It’s like my fortune and lot in life really. It’s beyond stupid and ridiculous at this point. I have not idea what to do with it. What to make out of it. All I know is I always just go out and get another crap job. Go to work there until I hear those three words again, “you are fired”.
Last few years it seems to take to long to end being fired. Too long cause I am way past bored by the time they get around to firing my ass. Do I want to be fired? Do I like being fired? Is it a borderline thing? I can’t help but wonder that cause seems so much else in my life are borderline things.
Jobs suck. Working for people sucks. People make me so angry. People don’t get me. They keep telling me how irresponsible I am. Whatever! Why, cause I don’t want to do what they want me to do when they want me to do it? People just remind me of my mother. My borderline mother who would fire me as her daughter too if she could. I, of course, have long ago fired her as my mother. Who needs that drama? Borderline on borderline bloody war. We scream at each other so much if we are even talking that we lose our voices. I’d like to punch her lights out but don’t cause my father would kill me if I did.
My mother is in one extended and super drama-filled tizzy right now. She got me the last job I got fired from, and well, others too. But this time, for some reason she feels super embarrassed about her friend having to fire me. Who cares? I don’t. Why does she? It’s over and done now. That asshole boss, her friend, big deal, is out of my sight and out of my mind. It’s just on to the next one for me. If my mother calls me one more time to bitch at me about this I don’t know what I’ll do.
She likes to rant and rage her borderline self. She likes to endlessly repeat her bad-ass and oh so boring self. I really don’t care what she has to say anymore. Not sure that I ever did care what she had to say really. My mother feels that my getting fired has made her feel shame. Shame that she says I should feel. What’s up with that? Why should I feel shame for getting fired when it’s not ever my fault I get fired? My mother actually screamed at me today that I had abandoned her borderline ass again because I got fired after she got me a job with this friend of hers. What I don’t get is how she can feel abandoned by my getting fired? Why not feel abandoned by her idiot friend that fired me?
If you ask me Borderline Personality Disorder guarantees getting fired, sooner or later, if you don’t quit first. Oh, I’ve heard of some people with BPD – read about stuff online – that keep their jobs or whatever while the rest of their lives suck and crumble around them. Not me. I’d rather feel free and at least have some sense of sanity or maybe borderline sanity, whatever that might mean or be.
So I have another job now. Been working there for about 2 weeks and already hate it. I am not sure it is the jobs that I hate as much as the people in charge and most of the people I have to work with. Most people seem to get along in ways I don’t understand. Most people don’t seem to care how much they get bossed around either. I can’t stand that. I need to feel freer than that.
I don’t like being told what to do. Tell me the stuff I have to do when you train me then just leave me alone to do it, that’s how I feel. But bosses never do that do they? No, they have to keep rubbing it in that they get to control you don’t they? I hate being controlled. I actually can’t put up with being bossed around much or for long. I usually lose my temper. Funny how I lose my temper a lot before I get fired. Only had one boss that fired me on the spot the first time I flipped out. Beats me why.
What’s wrong with just wanting to feel free and not be bossed around? What’s wrong with not being like everyone else? I can’t do the lunch or break thing with people I work with. God, everything they talk about is soooooooooooooo boring! So I don’t join in or I try to go outside and then everyone thinks I’m a snob.
Borderline Personality Disorder, I’m a raging borderline so I’ve been told. That’s got to be the main ingredient in why I keep getting fired. That and my borderline mother being on my back all the time about what I should do, berating me about what the hell is wrong with me and stuff like that.
I really don’t think it’s going to take too long to get fired from this current job. It’s a shitty job anyway. If that’s being negative, well, that’s me I guess. Negative, angry, and bored – alot!
I’ve come to the conclusion that Borderline Personality Disorder, rage and work just don’t mix. Nice impossible combo that. Guess I’m screwed. Feels like I’m always getting screwed and blamed for shit I don’t do. Fired for things that don’t have to do with the job I do. Fired because I don’t feel like being controlled by tyrants – controlled like everyone else. Other people just put up with crazy-ass boss bullying.
BPD, rage and work don’t mix. Wonder where that leaves me?
Related posts:
- Borderline Personality Disorder
- Borderline Personality Disorder and Abuse…
- Shame and Borderline Personality Disorder
- Does Borderline Personality Disorder Make Us The Odd Man Out?
- Borderline Personality Disorder and Enmeshment: The Little Girl Who Never Grew Up….
- Leaving The Matrix of Borderline Personality Disorder
- Me and Borderline Personality Disorder – How It Feels
I understand. I’ve been fired so many times in my life that I began to quit first because I was paranoid and scared about getting fired.It is hard controlling feelings. That’s the work with this disorder- controlling the reactivity. I’m scared to go to work sometimes because I think at some point I’m going to react negatively to something or percieve something negatively or create something out of nothing. There’ve been times where I’ve just sat in my car, scared to go into work because I sure I was going to get fired even though I hadn’t done anything. I’ve mostly changed my life and learned to control my reactivity but I still have my ‘moments’. It’s those times that I remember not to be afraid. That the fear is as much a part of the anger of this condition.
Something I learned in treatment a long time ago was that anger usually isn’t the primary issue. Anger is a secondary emotion that is easier experience and less intense than feeling hurt or sad or whatever. They explained an emotional outburst as a volcanoe and the lava is the anger but the real issue is the mountain. Once I realized that I can handle those other feelings; hurt, fear, sadness, rejection, humiliation, etc. then I feel less worried that I may have a destructive response. Does that make sense? Anyway, it takes time. I’m almost 40 and I still struggle with job stability and being labeled as someone ‘difficult to get along with’. But I just keep going. I know that I’m loveable to some and what can you do about the rest. There’s more jobs. It’s about you feeling secure and proud of yourself and behaviour in your work environment. It does take time…lots of time and practicing new ways of reacting or not reacting. I’ve found, too that I tend to have high expectations of everybody else. Often what I expect isn’t realistic and my feelings aren’t relative to the situation but its hard to have that awareness in the midst of it.
Also, I know that some may feel opposed to this suggestion but its quite common to experience ADHD in adulthood with Borderline personality disorder. Sometimes not having the ability to pay attention or maintain concentration and being oversensitive can be resovled with adhd medication. It’s worked for many people. A mood stabilizer helps the ups and downs with mood, too. Sometimes it’s more than one issue getting in the way of a successful career.
Keep working at it!