Does Borderline Personality Disorder Make Us The Odd Man Out?

Ever feel like everyone knows something that you don’t? Ever want to just be the fly on the wall? I feel like I’ve spent 40% of the last few years just being puzzled about what others are thinking, saying, or implying about me or my work. Someone once told me that other people are just as occupied with themselves as I was about what they thought about me. To a normal mind, it sounds like I’m conceited, narcissistic, or just need more to do. Right?

However, to those with Borderline Personality Disorder, we know that we invest so much in trying to have healthy relationships with others and for some reason, just when we think we have our new best friend – PRESTO – they just disappear. I personally am clueless as to what I’m doing wrong to friends because I am for the most part a fairly normal person and I am always there for my friends. I lead a full life, have kids, run a business, go to church, do the soccer and dance stuff, ya da ya da ya da… and yet no connections to anyone. The BPD has definitely affected my life, but mostly in areas that no one outside of my immediate family knows about. I think I am the type of person that everyone thinks is a well adjusted and happy person with a lot going for them, but has no idea of the battles that I face internally everyday.

I’m new to learning about BPD – one whole week, in fact! I came across it while browsing the internet doing some self diagnosing for the symptoms that have become almost overwhelming recently. As most of you, my life has been a roller coaster ride of outburst, relationship difficulties, past abuse, low self-esteem, anxiety, and risky behaviors. I’ve had difficulties with most of the underlying causes of BPD and went through counseling during my teens, again in my twenties, and then self treated with exercise – without medication for almost 15 years. I’m 40 now and dealing with a lot of stress from various streams, on top of my work stress, and along with other triggers that has sent me to a place that I had not been for years.

I’ve known for years that other people weren’t as easily affected by little things as I am. That I for some reason can not let go of things like I should. The worse thing is hearing someone tell me to “just get over it” when all I wish I could do is get over it! Dreaming about what I couldn’t stop thinking about the whole day, and not being able to sleep at night without finally dreaming about it again. These are all things that we all deal with, but how do you ever get use to wanting to be close to people and feeling alone?

It just aches inside of my soul. My mind searches the list of people that I feel close to, then I remember that the list is so short and those on it I wouldn’t want to bog down with all my inner turmoil. I have children and would never want them to know what I’m feeling. I grew up with a parent of BPD and Bipolar Disorder and it was miserable! He was mean, we never knew what was going to make him angry, and there was very little love. Because of that, I’ve made sure to be the complete opposite to my kids.

My regret is that through this illness, they have seen me become upset at gatherings where I have been stranded and could not escape the situation before giving into my out of control feelings of hurt and anger. Things like that.  Usually I leave upset and end up feeling embarrassed later! I have spoken to them about the event and made apologies when necessary. I’m trying to overcome this, but at the same time – there are times I feel I had the right to be upset. It seems as if the triggers are more common lately. I don’t know if it’s due to the progressiveness of the illness and not having treatment all these years (because I didn’t know I had an illness) or just the coincidence of the stress in my personal and work life that is causing all the old symptoms to raise their ugly heads once again. Either way, they are there and this needs to be dealt with. Running a business from the ground up is tough, and trying to do it while fighting BPD has been almost unbearable.

My puzzlement is typically why am I the odd man out? It seems as if I somehow have this magical power of attracting misunderstandings. I have always thought my communication skills were very good, but have began to question those along with everything else now. . So if I’m a good and loving mother, I’m always there for the friends, and I don’t burden the friends with with my worries - what am I doing wrong? While I can see what bothers me, I can guess at what I may be doing or saying that isn’t attracting friends, but I’m only guessing.

It’s like I have this sign on my head that says… Go away! After you get to know me it won’t work out.

Finally,back to my question… wouldn’t it just be nice to know what it is that everyone else is seeing so that we can just fix it? I’m all about just cutting to the chase!

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4. Shame and Borderline Personality Disorder
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7. Have I Surrendered To Borderline Personality Disorder?