Who am I?
For those who have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, for many reasons, a central question to answer is, “Who Am I?” According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th. Edition (DSM-IV), published by the American Psychiatric Association, people with borderline personality disorder often suffer from “identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.” BPD experts often speak of the lost self, and of the need to reconnect with it. When I first read about this element of BPD a few months ago, I didn’t recognize it very much in myself. I thought I knew who I was. But recently, I’ve thought more about it, and now I’m not so sure who I am. It now seems evident to me that there is a difference between a false self part of me and a me that I only know a part of.
When I hit puberty, I began to notice girls in a different way. Around the age of 14, I remember sneaking across the hall from my best friend’s room to his sister Julie’s room so I could lie in bed next to her. My heart was pounding, and I felt so alive, I’ll never forget that feeling. I had several very intense relationships with girls through high school and college, but then things began to change. I began to develop strong attraction to boys, which wasn’t exactly sexual, but wasn’t exactly friendship. I’ve never dated a man or done anything sexual with one, but I haven’t had a date or done anything sexual with a woman in over 6 years either. Am I someone who likes girls or boys?
In junior high, high school, and college, most of my closest friends were girls. I had many heart-to-heart conversations with Betsy, Cassie, Stacey, Jenny, Melissa, and others. Other than my best friend Steve, I had no significant male friends. Sometime after college, this all changed. Today, I count dozens of close male friends, and not one single close female friend. I can’t remember the last time I had a serious conversation with a girl. Do I prefer to hang out with men or women?
Up to the age of 18, I was a musician. I played five instruments and sang in the school choir. I also performed in a variety of plays and musicals. Around the time I transitioned from high school to college, these things changed. It wasn’t a gradual evolution, but a wholesale departure from who I was, or who I thought I was. With the exception of playing in one fun-oriented musical group, I did not participate in any music or performing arts activities, and haven‘t really since. Am I a musician or not?
My preferences have often shifted quickly in other areas too: my favorite subjects in school, what I watch on TV, whether I watch TV at all, who I spend time with, the foods I eat, what sports I like, whether I like sports at all, the list goes on. Some BPD authorities believe to recover requires developing a more stable sense of identity. If they’re right, and I want to recover, I’ll need a better answer to the question “who am I?”
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Great post. I identify with so much in this post. I haven’t been diagnosed, but have been researching the spectrum of mental illnesses for a couple of years rather in depth, and I’m fairly convinced I am a borderline, among other things. I am terrified I’ll see a doctor only to be told I’m not a borderline (even though, again, I’m almost certain that’s at least one of the things present) – I worry that would send me into a lurch of REALLY not knowing who I am or what’s “wrong” with me. :-/ Thanks for this post.