Confusion Sets In…
I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and I have been in pain forever. A pain of a little girl lost. A pain that led me to overspending, over-using , over-sleeping, over-escaping, over-indulging, over-compensating, over-pleasing I did anything and everything to run from it. Suddenly, in the last couple of months it seems the pain is over. Is it coming back? I don’t know. Taken over now is an anxiety. Anxiety of not knowing how to deal with life without this pain perhaps? When it was with me, I either laid in my bed and did nothing or I’d search. Trouble is I was searching in the dark. In my search I kept bumping into walls. I kept falling. Today, I lay full of anxiety. Like a newborn baby without her mother telling her what to do. I don’t know which way to turn on this path. I don’t know how to travel in light. I do know that I can’t lay here anymore in this bed. So, the anxiety I’m feeling is perhaps the anxiety of a little girl growing up. In front of her are so many paths, yet she’s afraid to take the wrong one.
I should be happy right? Released from depression. Released from sadness. Released from captivity of the little child inside screaming to be heard. No, I am confused. I’ve outgrown my job. I’ve outgrown my parents home. I’ve outgrown the body I tried to keep so young. I’ve outgrown my clothes. I’ve outgrown my friends. I’ve outgrown everything I’ve seen for the last 39 years. My therapist … “Go back to your job.” My job? That has never been my job. I did it for 14 years – 14 years of my life in a job that I knew didn’t feel right. Why? I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know who else to be. I just became what all my friends became. How was I in that building for so long? How did I teach for so long? Of course I was so depressed, being a teacher – it was never me. I didn’t fit in that box that I put myself in. “Well what’s your alternative?” “I don’t know.” “I don’t know”
Adults make adult decisions and have patience – I don’t want to be an adult at 39. Why did it take so long? Why is it still taking so long? Why didn’t I ever grow up? Why now at 39 do I discover my life has been wrong all along? Or has it? Am I supposed to be here? For 2o years I kept hearing people telling me of a higher power. For 20 years I didn’t listen. For 20 years I chose my way, to suffer. For 20 years I heard HE has a plan for you. Is this the plan? Go back to a job I hate because I have no alternative. Or did I hate it? Was it just a reflection of my inner self hatred? Would I still hate it if I went back tomorrow? HE has a plan for you… A plan? It seems more like a sick joke. If there really is a HE. For 20 years it seems I’ve lived a different reality than all around me.. Was I holding onto a fantasy.. the perfect job, the perfect man, the perfect place to live, the perfect body, PERFECTION will make me happy…It never came. It never will. There is no such thing as perfect is there?
I’m becoming an adult now. I’m growing up. Does that mean it’s time to let go of fantasies? I was offered an au pair position in Italy for a year. I’d make close to what I am making here. No rent. Do I want to go take care of someone else’s children for a year? Can I afford it? Is that a dream? This morning I saw an apartment , three bedroom. Right near the school I taught in for 14 years. Is that a sign? Am I supposed to now take this apartment and immediately go back to work? Irony at its best. It is surreal. I cannot remember how I sabotaged this life. Everything I have run away from, my job, this neighborhood, MYSELF… is everything I am finding to be getting more confusing.
Is all that is confusing some kind of clarity and learning? I don’t know?
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