Minor issues, major annoyance
I’ve seen many papers, articles, and blogs about the deep emotional pain and other severe symptoms of borderline personality disorder. I’ve seen little about the less intense but more annoying aspects of having and managing BPD, like confusion about identity and trying to hide the disorder. Those of us with BPD have to deal with those aspects every day. Most of the time, I’m not emotionally dysregulated or impulsive, but all the time I have to watch what I say, and be careful what I do, to avoid ruining a friendship or my reputation.
Last night, my buddy Dave called me to go out to dinner. We grabbed a bottle of wine and went for sushi. I love hanging out with Dave, because he’s fun and interesting. But I hate hanging out with Dave, because he brings out my identity disturbance, a feature of BPD. As I wrote in Who am I? I’m not sure if I’m straight, gay, or bisexual. I’ve dated and had intense feelings for girls. I’ve had intense feelings for guys, but I’ve never dated a man. I’ve had physical attraction to both men and women at different times of my life. At the moment, I feel nearly no sexual attraction to girls, and only moderate sexual attraction to guys, including Dave.
At dinner, my mind swirled with confusing thoughts. Dave is really attractive. He probably doesn’t like boys. Dave might help me pick up a girl tonight. He just told a story about taking a hike with three gay guys, but doesn’t he have a girlfriend? If I mentioned that I feel attracted to him, would that deepen or ruin the friendship? Why did he ask me out to dinner anyway, and how many straight guys share a bottle of wine at a restaurant? He’s asked me multiple times recently what’s on my mind. He seems trustworthy. Could I just tell him I’m trying to recover from BPD, or would that send him running for the hills? None of these thoughts lead to strong feelings, but having these annoying thoughts so frequently really wears a person down and makes it difficult to enjoy nigiri and maki.
After dinner, Dave and I went to a casino with two cute, fun girls. It looked like a typical double date, with lots of laughing and smiles all around. A few times, the conversation turned to areas I avoid in order not to have to explain all about BPD. The other three people each took a turn talking about the type of man or woman they’re attracted to. When it was obviously my turn, I obviously changed the subject. They each talked about their various recent exes, and I had to decide whether I’d make up a story about a fictitious recent ex, strain my memory to recall details of my last dating relationship 6 years ago, or change the subject again. I again changed the subject.
Toward the end of the night, someone thought it would be fun to talk about when everyone lost their virginity. Since this topic comes up a shocking number of times in conversation, I have a ready response: I lie. When Katie told us all she lost her virginity at 16, she nodded at me to indicate I was supposed to go next. I didn’t hesitate. I simply smiled and said 17. In the car on the way home, after the girls were gone, Dave raised the subject again. For some reason, I decided to tell him I had lied about it earlier. Of course, since we were now sharing, he immediately wanted more details, which I wasn’t prepared to give. He started to guess what the real number was. He tried a few real guesses: 15 and 21. Then, he went for two jokes: “6 years old?” “Oh, wait, maybe you’re a virgin hahahaha!” I can’t imagine how many questions he’d have if I told him the truth that I’ve never had sex. The conversation ended in awkward silence when I told him I really didn’t want to talk about it anymore.
I’ve started to develop ways to deal with the most severe aspects of BPD: relaxation for rumination, distraction for dysregulation, and facts to counter false negative self-talk. But, I haven’t yet mastered how to avoid or minimize the less severe but more frequent annoyance of having the disorder and having to interact with people who don’t.
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