Goodbye, Kato
One of the symptoms of borderline personality disorder I have traditionally displayed the most is a series of intense, unstable, interpersonal relationships. In my case, these relationships have been devastating for me, what a therapist might call toxic. Through introspection, learning, and sheer force of will, I’m starting to believe I’ve broken the pattern. Recently, I avoided adding another person to that long list.
A year ago, I met an interesting person named Kato when I was counseling at a music camp. I wrote about him in my blog entry The Three Floutists. Although we kept in touch for months after camp, often chatting via video or text message, eventually, that tapered off. A few times, I invited him to meet up when I was in his area, but it never worked out. Last month, I got frustrated and sent him the following message: “I sent you two texts in the past couple days and haven’t heard back. Also, looking back through Facebook messages, it really seems like you don’t want to talk to me anymore. I’ll stop bugging you.
Bye…” he replied “Its not that I don’t want to talk to you. My parents haven’t met you and gotten to know you, so they are a bit anal about me talking to you ya know. It wasnt my choice. We can still Skype here and there! Plus I’ll see you at band camp!” This message made me feel like a pedophile. I was so upset, I decided not to reply at all.
When it came time for this year’s camp, I knew he’d be there, and I decided to ignore him in person as well. I wish I could say I had made a rational decision to avoid someone who could only play an unhealthy role in my life. But the truth is, I hoped if I ignored him, he’d tell me how much he liked me and beg me to talk to him and hang out like in the past. This didn’t happen. He made a few weak attempts to start a conversation by saying things like “hi, how’s it going?” But, he never went beyond that, so we spent a week together at camp without exchanging more than 10 words. On one hand, I was very hurt that I didn’t matter enough for him to take action. On the other hand, I suppose I should focus on being grateful he didn’t take action, leading me into yet another toxic relationship.
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