Confusion Sets In…
I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and I have been in pain forever. A pain of a little girl lost. A pain that led me to overspending, over-using , over-sleeping, over-escaping, over-indulging, over-compensating, over-pleasing I did anything and everything to run from it. Suddenly, in the last couple of months it seems the pain is over. Is it coming back? I don’t know. Taken over now is an anxiety. Anxiety of not knowing how to deal with life without this pain perhaps?
Searching for Home – Is it geographical or borderline need to find self?
As a person with Borderline Personality Disorder I sometimes wonder why I can never feel at home. Is it because home should be Italy and instead it is The United States? Or is home more about how much I still don’t know myself? Every summer since she and my father moved to America we’d go home to Italy. My mother was happy. Surrounded by a family she never wanted to leave, occasionally I’d see her smile. Every summer we’d go look at houses. She dreamed of returning home. She said it every day as far back as I can remember. My brother and I would say no, I think. I can’t really remember. Or we wouldn’t look so thrilled. Or something that would discourage her from realizing her dream. America was supposed to be temporary. And tonight I can’t help but wonder how different things really would have been.
Borderline Personality – There’s No one Left…
I have now been in bed for three days. Nothing but sleep. Bad dreams. Wake up. Cry to myself. No eating. Coffee, cigarettes. Pain. I’ve had some strange occurences in the past two weeks that led to this depression. A depression I do not want to feel anymore. It began with my sister coming in for the holidays. The sister who was my best friend and in my eyes suddenly,( I have racked my brain trying to figure out what I have done), just doesn’t acknowledge my existence anymore. If you read my blog SCREAMING to be heard – Borderline Personality Disorder so many Triggers – A “Family Christmas” = Triggers and Invalidation, you will understand more of that trigger.
Papa Got The Moon For Me
Spring and summer nights I remember sitting on my front looking up at the sky. Sometimes alone, sometimes with my brother. I’d wait for the stars and moon to come out. I always looked for the brightest star to wish upon. Sometimes, if I was with my brother we’d argue about which star belonged to us. But of course the argument lasted about a second. There were so many stars to choose from it didn’t matter. When the moon made it’s appearance I’d run back and forth. I was amazed at how the Moon would follow. Like a playmate. Sometimes with Daddy, holding his hand, I’d see her above us no matter where we went. I was amazed that regardless of how far we went, she came along with us. Daddy would always smile when I ‘d try to hide from her. He’d try to explain that it wasn’t following us etc.. to give me the facts. But, of course children, and I think especially me, make up their own facts to explain things. But, tonight not through facts, nor imagination can I explain my behavior towards him anymore. Borderline Personality Disorder and family dysfunction and enmeshment take their toll on parent-child relationships and often well into adulthood.
Dear Brain, Borderline Brain? Please Stop…
Racing thoughts, self-hatred and doubt, and Borderline Personality Disorder are not a good situation at all – not a good experience at all. No matter what medication I take I often end up with racing thoughts, ruminating, and then I just can’t sleep. Woke up at 12pm. Why? I can’t get my brain to shut up at night. Somehow, at some point, sometimes I fall asleep. Then, it starts all over – the racing thoughts, the ruminating. Who would want to get up again anyway?
Here was my brain today…
SCREAMING to be heard – Borderline Personality Disorder so many Triggers – A “Family Christmas” = Triggers and Invalidation
I thought that I was making progress with the Borderline Personality Disorder. Now, I wonder, is it worse all over again? I have not felt like this in a long time. I threw away all antidepressants. I was taking 2 klonopin instead of the 3 prescribed daily. I wasn’t taking vicodin anymore. I was writing, working on childrens’ books, poetry, even a memoir. I was working. Yes, it was a strip club. But, I was ok with it once I let the music hit me. I was at least dancing and lost myself in that. I was excercising. I was taking vitamins. I was budgeting my money. I thought everything was going to get better.
Confessions of a Go-Go Girl
I am now a go-go-girl. Does this have anything to do with my having been diagnosed with Borderline Personailty Disorder? Hmm, I don’t know. What do you think? Not to say that all go-go-girls have BPD but this one does. Whether or not this go-go-girl is undertaking this job right now because of BPD directly or not there’s a good chance that indirectly the two are connected.
Sorry Daddy….
I feel sorry for my father living with a borderline wife and a borderline daughter. I’m not really sure how or why my parents ever became married. They were born in the same apartment complex in Italy, she upstairs, he down one flight. My grandmother (mom’s mom) still lives there. My father’s mom passed, but his brother and wife live there. It’s quite strange really, when I enter that little town in Naples, I swear not a single thing has changed since I was a baby not a crack in the sidewalk, not a piece of writing on the wall, and certainly not my Grandmother’s apartments. Anyway, I know very little about thier courtship. I know my mother had to sneak on her way to work to see my dad. I know my dad was hated by my grandmother, not surprisingly. I know my mother was kicked in the eye once by her oldest brother when caught with him, my grandmother tells the story as if it’s a comedy, saying her she swears her eye just popped out, I don’t really think it’s funny. I also know that eventually he was allowed in for dinner, my grandmother put a mirror at the back of the table so she could keep guard as to what was going on under the table. Didn’t my father know what he was getting into?
Children Become What They Hear and BPD
How does having Borderline Personality Disorder, or developing it, factor in to relationships and the beginning and legacy of one’s relationships and sexual experiences? Does it? I have always been a rather late bloomer. My first kiss was at the age of sixteen. It was actually very romantic now that I think about it. He was a handsome Italian guy, piercing blue eyes, who kept telling me I had the eyes of a cat as he stared into them. I was so nervous, I thought I’d faint. It was raining and we just stood in the rain kissing, nothing else just kissing.
Thoughts… What If I Wasn’t Labeled Borderline?
Sometimes I wonder. I really just wonder if I had never been labeled borderline, would I act normal? Would I be normal? I have always known there was something different between myself and others , but people would just call me eccentric and at times I was almost proud of that. I was unique, different, but [...]
